I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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