One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
