Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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