YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
