she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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