you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish you could order shots online.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
