hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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