I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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