My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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