I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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