i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
