I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
