im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
