it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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