I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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