I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize