Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
