the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
