So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
