I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Enjoy the penises
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
