If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
