i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
