I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
