im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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