I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
