I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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