I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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