I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
