I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
