I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
