If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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