I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
