brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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