You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
