its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
