Don't make out with my wife yet
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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