i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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