In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
