Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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