the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
