dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
