There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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