16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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