Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
