My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
