her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
