i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
