glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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