He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
