You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
