My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize