I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
