Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
