Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
there is glitter all over my balls
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