just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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