pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
