I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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