Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize