You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
